Daily Prophet: Breaking News
by Kara's Aunty
Summary: Front page headlines from the Wizarding world's best-selling newspaper.
1. Dolores Umbridge Sentenced to Life!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, etc. Not me. I'm only dabbling my unworthy fingers in her magical world.

**Credit: **harrypotterwiki, wikipedia dot com.

* * *

**Dolores Umbridge sentenced to Life in Azkaban! **

_By Daily Prophet reporter Berny Chiswick_

Former Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic, Dolores Umbridge, was today convicted for crimes against Muggle-borns during the Second Wizarding War.

During a trial which lasted two weeks, the Wizengamot was presented with evidence demonstrating the gross abuse of power by Umbridge in interrogating and imprisoning Muggle-born witches and wizards for their 'questionable blood-status'.

The disgraced Undersecretary was found guilty of subjecting innocent people to the presence of Dementors during their 'hearings' while accusing them of stealing magic from 'real' witches and wizards. In some cases, she reportedly threatened those who objected with the Dementor's kiss, a threat which she carried out on no less than four known occasions.

One witness, Mary Cattermole of Great Tolling in Evesham, told this reporter of her harrowing experience at Umbridge's hands after the conclusion of today's trial.

"_I was at home when someone from the Ministry accosted me. Barged straight into my house while my husband was out at work and said I was to be brought before the Muggle-born Registration Committee because there were concerns over the Blood Purity questionnaire I had returned two days before. He accused me of stealing the wand of a pure-blood witch! Right in front of my children, too! It's a lie, of course, but how could I possibly prove that?"_ she says, nervously twisting a handkerchief. _"I was immediately arrested, and brought before the Committee the next day. It was the most frightening experience of my life! Dementors guarded all suspected Muggle-borns in the corridor outside the courtroom, and just before I was taken in, a man was dragged out screaming by another two. We all heard __**her **__voice threatening him with the Dementor's kiss if he didn't stop struggling. He did, of course - stop struggling, that is - but I'll never forget the sound of him sobbing quietly as they glided away with him. It was the sound of complete and utter hopelessness. It was awful!"_

The memories of that day clearly upset Mrs Cattermole, and she has to stop to draw a deep breath before bravely continuing.

"_I found out when I was called that there were even more Dementors hovering inside the courtroom: I was terrified! And that … that __**woman**__ sat there smirking down at me as I wept, knowing what effect they were having on me. __**She**__ was all right, of course, because she'd conjured a Patronus to protect herself. And she smiled the whole time I was there, as if she'd never had so much fun in all her life! If I hadn't been so scared for me and my children, I would've been sick!"_

Mrs Cattermole looks righteously angry, and I cannot help but feel nauseated by what she is telling me, but worse is to come. Asked what happened during the interrogation proper, her voice quavers slightly with the response:

"_She asked me which witch or wizard I'd stolen my wand from, and when I said that I hadn't stolen it – that I had bought it after it chose me when I was eleven – she laughed at me! Insinuated that I was a liar! I knew then that she wasn't willing to listen to reason, and that the whole hearing was a farce – nothing more than an excuse for her own vindictive power-play before she convicted me of a crime I hadn't committed. If Harry Potter and his wonderful friends hadn't shown up when they did, I would have been doomed. I'd never have been able to escape, and Reg and I would never have gotten our children to safety before she sent us all to Azkaban, or worse! We owe them our lives! How can I ever thank them?"_

Mrs Cattermole is too overcome by her experience to elaborate further, but her testimony is as damning when related to this reporter as it was when given to the Wizangamot.

In another shocking twist, this reporter can exclusively reveal that when she was dragged out of her home, the Death-Eaters-cum-Ministry-Officials, led by then Head of Magical Law Enforcement, 'Bad Boy' Yaxley, callously Stunned Mrs Cattermole's three young children before leaving them alone in the house, instead of seeing them into the safe-keeping of a relative. The youngsters were only found and released several hours later by their distraught father, Ministry employee Reginald Cattermole, who had deliberately not been made aware of his wife's incarceration until the end of his shift.

Umbridge - author of the infamous propaganda pamphlet _Mudbloods and the Dangers They Pose to a Peaceful Pure-blood Society_ – denied all charges against her, stating that she was a dedicated public servant who was little more than the innocent victim of a 'world gone mad with misplaced vengeance'. Furthermore, she claims to have been under the influence of an Imperius curse for the last year of the war, and could therefore not be held responsible for any action she may have taken during that time. This claim was met with outcries of fury from many of her victims and colleagues, and also from members of the public who came to witness the infamous ex-public servant's trial. One man was arrested after running from the benches and bodily throwing himself at the former Undersecretary in an attempt to [quote] '… rip her lying tongue out' [unquote], though he was later released without charges after informing authorities that he had personally overheard her telling a Death Eater that she had [quote] '… never enjoyed [her] work as much as [she] did since Pius Thicknesse became Minister for Magic.' [unquote].

Umbridge was also accused of spectacularly abusing her authority during her tenure as Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor/High Inquisitor/Headmistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (September 1995- June 1996). Amongst other charges, she was convicted on multiple counts of cruelty to children for forcing them to use Blood Quills during detentions; of using her position as High Inquisitor to maliciously intimidate fellow educators during class inspections and also of persecuting those others who were non-human.

"_She hates part- and non-humans_," said one student, a Ravenclaw who declined to give their name. "_It was bad enough that she refused to teach us practical defence against the Dark Arts, but she was always looking down her nose at our Head of House, And she used to talk to our Care of Magical Creatures professor like he was an idiot just because he's part giant. That really annoyed us, because it's just not true, but we couldn't say anything in case she retaliated. Anyway, intelligence isn't just academic, you know, that's only part of it. You could be the most academically intelligent wizard on the face of the planet, but if you don't have common sense, then you're still the biggest idiot alive. That's why Professor Hagrid will always be smarter than Scumbridge. Besides, who's she to call anyone part-human when she's so obviously half-toad?"_

Out of the mouths of babes, eh readers?

An investigation into the tyrannical rule of Dolores Umbridge was instigated after she left her position at Hogwarts under mysterious circumstances in June 1996, but was promptly abandoned in the build-up to the Second Wizarding War. This failure on the Ministry's part allowed her to be reinstated as Senior Undersecretary mere weeks later and precipitated the terrible events which have culminated in her current conviction.

Ms Umbridge was sentenced to life imprisonment at Azkaban prison earlier today and was sensationally escorted there (screaming) by two of the very same Dementors which she used to instil terror into her Muggle-born victims. ... _Continued on Pages 2 and 3._

_Umbridge: The Early Years: Page 4_

_Life after Azkaban: A report on the distressing aftermath for Umbridge's many victims: Pages 5-8_

* * *

**Fudge under fire!**

_By Daily Prophet Reporter Oswald Biggerbottom_

Former Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge is under increasing pressure to explain his actions since the return of now-deceased Dark Lord Voldemort.

Terrified of having to lead a country into war, the inept official refused point-blank to listen to the late Albus Dumbledore and Chosen One Harry Potter when they informed him of Tom Riddle's return to power on the 24th June 1995. Despite the death of noble Hufflepuff student Cedric Diggory during the TriWizard Tournament, and proof of the marked visibility of the Dark Mark shown to him by Slytherin hero Severus Snape (deceased), Fudge ridiculed the notion and accused Dumbledore and Potter of trying to usurp his authority. In retaliation, he actively worked to strip both of their credibility by revoking Dumbledore's Wizengamot status and influencing the media into ridiculing Potter.

This personal vendetta against two of wizarding society's brightest champions led not only to Ministry interference at Hogwarts, but also to a full year's delay in Ministry preparations to protect that same society against the whim of a madman.

And Cornelius Fudge must now be made to answer for his actions.

Why did he ignore the warnings signs? How did Dolores Umbridge manage to authorise two Dementors of Azkaban to attack Harry Potter and his Muggle cousin in Little Whinging, Surrey without his knowledge? Or was it without his knowledge? Why did Fudge order a full court hearing at the last minute for a case of under-age magic when Potter simply acted in self-defence? What authority did he have to overrule the Governors of Hogwarts and place a Ministry employee there, one who was not qualified for the position she was supposedly teaching? Was Umbridge really there because of a lack of candidates for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position, or was she simply Fudge's way of spying on the two people he considered the greatest threats to his political status?

More importantly, why was Umbridge allowed such free scope to terrorise students during her tenure? Was Fudge aware that she was subjecting them to spot searches and scanning all Owl post to and from students and their families? If so, why did he not rein her in? Did he know of her tortuous detentions? Did he authorise them? And upon being made aware of Umbridge's actions at Hogwarts that year after witnessing the return of Voldemort at the Ministry of Magic, why - if he is innocent of culpability in her crimes - did he not insist that the investigation into her tenure continue instead of being dropped? Or petition then Minister for Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, not to reinstate her when it was? Was this because he had as much to hide as she did?

These and other questions are being asked by witches and wizards all over the country, and demands have been increasing over the last fortnight for the Ministry of Magic to instigate an immediate investigation into Fudge's actions during the latter year of his appointment. The Ministry has, as yet, made no official declaration of its intentions, but unnamed sources inside have told this reporter that Acting Minster for Magic Kingsley Shacklebolt is determined to weed out any and all corruption within Ministry walls, whether past or present.

Are these simply the empty words of a fledgling politician keen to prove that he is up to the job at hand before re-elections are held later this year? Can we ever really trust our Ministers for Magic again, given that we have so recently endured the Imperiused rule of Pius Thicknesse and the dangerous ineptitude of Cornelius Fudge? Or is Wizarding War Hero Shacklebolt – Auror and member of both incarnations of the now-legendary Order of the Phoenix – destined to be a Minister we can truly rely on? I, for one, believe that he is. His selfless actions over three long decades in protecting society against evil (both from without and within the Ministry) speak for themselves.

Either way, he can only be an improvement on his predecessors. But if he is as determined to weed out Ministry corruption as this reporter has learned, then Cornelius Fudge may soon find himself with some very harsh questions to answer.

Which might even lead to him sharing a cell in Azkaban with his former Undersecretary …

* * *

**Umbridge a Muggle-born?**

_By Daily Prophet reporter Berny Chiswick_

Dolores Umbridge was today convicted by the Wizengamot for crimes against Muggle-borns and sent to Azkaban for the rest of her natural life. The deranged fanatic hounded innocent civilians to prove their blood purity and took malicious delight in the failure of many to be able to meet her outrageous demands.

Yet this reporter can now sensationally reveal that her own blood status was itself in question! And that she covered this up with the use of both magic and blackmail.

During my investigation into her early life, I failed to uncover a birth certificate in the Ministry's Hall of Records. Puzzled that such a blood purity obsessive would have no official registration of her own birth, I entertained the possibility that her record had been lost or not transferred from St Mungo's maternity unit. Yet after making the necessary enquiries, I was reliably informed by a hospital employee that if she wasn't registered there, then she wasn't born there. Next I headed for Hogwarts, but any records of her time as a student there – and therefore clarification of her origin – were destroyed along with many others during the Final Battle earlier this year. Left with no other option, I spent weeks researching Muggle hospitals and local registry offices to determine if they had any record of her, but, again, to no avail.

Frustrated, I then turned to her colleagues, but no one could elaborate on her past because she never discussed it with them.

"_She was a very private person, as far as her personal life went,"_ said one, who prefers not be identified. _"Whenever we asked about her family she got really defensive and told us to mind our own business, or else. Even threatened me with the Muggle-born Registration Committee if I ever spoke to her about anything not strictly work-related. Not that I was really __**that**__ interested in her family, but you've got to talk about something when you're stuck in a lift with her. Anything to distract yourself from telling her that she's an evil little frog-faced twat that you'd like to feed to your pet snake."_

Indeed.

But this only begs the intriguing question, where was she born: in the magical world she clung to so possessively or the Muggle one she hated?

Sources revealed that she sported a golden locket with the letter 'S' engraved upon it after Death Eaters took over management of the Ministry, claiming that it was a Selwyn family heirloom. These same sources state that Umbridge used it to emphasise her wizarding ancestry, yet – of the two Selwyn records in Ministry files - one has recently been confirmed as a fake which only appeared eleven months earlier and the other (mistakenly filed under the name 'Selvyn') shows that the line she claims to be descended from died out after the mass dragon-pox epidemic of 1714.

So is Dolores Umbridge as blood pure as she claimed? Or is she, in fact, Muggle-born herself? If so, did she first enter the magical world as an eleven year old, only to encounter prejudice against her blood status? Was she so resentful of being treated like a lesser being by the narrow-minded few that she spiralled into a lifelong denial of her heritage and thus became a fanatical Muggle-born hater? Was she desperate to prove her purity because she was ashamed of where she came from? … _Continued on Page 10._

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_Author's Note_: Some text taken from Harry Potter and the OoTP, and Harry Potter and the DH.

I originally formatted these 'news articles' out with the first story as the main one, and the other two in parallel columns underneath it, to give it a feel of authenticity. In fact, I got a great kick of imagining it appearing that way ... But pride cometh before the fall and ff dot net simply wouldn't upload it that way. Frustrated, I considered dumping the file. But what the heck. I've written it, so I might as well post it, even if it is in the same old format as always ...

Kara's Aunty ;)


	2. Rita Skeeter Interview Cheater!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, etc. Not me. I'm only dabbling my unworthy fingers in her magical world.

**Credit: **harrypotterwiki, wikipedia dot com.

**Special thanks:** To Darcy58, for the suggestion. This chapter's for you.

Rated for one slight mis-use of language.

* * *

**Rita Skeeter Interview Cheater!**

**Scandal as Journalist revealed to be unregistered Animagus**

_By Daily Prophet reporter Fugere Swatter_

Barely one year ago, she was the best-selling author of crass-but-sensationalist biography _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_, a cheap and biased account of the early years of the late Hogwarts headmaster. But as of 2 a.m. yesterday morning, freelance reporter Rita Skeeter, 47, faces the harsh reality of a lengthy prison term for being an unregistered Animagus!

Skeeter, who was apparently arrested in her home as she burned the midnight oil compiling notes for a new biography on Hogwarts Hero Severus Snape, is currently being held in DMLE custody at the Ministry of Magic pending further investigation.

While Skeeter's dramatic downfall is indeed a shock, it should certainly come as no surprise given that she infuriated most of the wizarding world with her recent literary offering _Harry Potter: Chosen One or Glorified Lackey?_ released only last month_._ Indeed, such was the contempt of one mysterious person toward her for her scurrilous attack on the Boy Who Lived (twice) that the Ministry's Improper Use of Magic Office received an anonymous tip-off on Saturday afternoon informing them of Skeeter's abilities. A crack team of Aurors was quickly assembled to bring the best-selling author into custody, though their deployment had to be delayed for several hours while IUMO officials sourced specialised anti-Animagus-Transfiguration handcuffs.

Skeeter's sensational arrest followed in the early hours of Sunday morning (_see picture, second right_).

The so-called 'reporter', who is unavailable for comment at this time, has been responsible for some of the most salacious - and some say malicious - headlines of the past twenty five years, including an article published eight years ago in which she falsely alleged that confectionery genius Bertie Bott was in the process of developing a fairy-flavoured bean. The story traumatised thousands of children nationwide and led to sales of the popular sweets plummeting by over fifty percent. It was later retracted, and a full apology printed, after Mr Bott allegedly threatened to pull his sponsorship of the _Daily Prophet's _annual Charity Ball.

Even popular Weird Sisters' lead singer Myron Wagtail was not immune from her poison pen. After refusing to let her interview him whilst on tour in south Wales, and having to bodily throw her out of his dressing room when she refused to leave, Skeeter wrote a wildly vindictive story claiming that he was two-timing his then girlfriend Felicity Fairchild with the Brighton Banshee. The accusation led to the break-up of Wagtail's relationship with Miss Fairchild, and the furious singer was quoted at the time as saying _'Agreeing or disagreeing to feature in a Skeeter article: it's rather like having a bout of gastric 'flu. One way or another you're going to end up in the crapper.'_

However, some of her so-called 'exclusives' have left many wondering who, exactly, her sources are.

How _did _she discover the release date of Celestina Warbeck's now best-selling album _You Stole __My Cauldron but You Can't Have my Heart _weeks before it was supposed to be made official? How did she get access to the list of candidates for the Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports after the disappearance of Ludo Bagman before even the nominees themselves were aware? And by what methods did she uncover the truth about the U.S. Magical Ambassador to Great Britain employing enchanted quills to infiltrate and spy on top secret British Ministry of Magic meetings – a scandal which led to his immediate expulsion fifteen years ago and has created suspicion and resentment between the two magical governments ever since?

These questions and more have inspired heated debates in pubs all over the country for years, and left Skeeter delighting in the notoriety it has lent her.

But it was her run of infamous articles based inside Hogwarts during the TriWizard Tournament (October 1994 – June 1995), that _really_ got people talking. How did she manage to discover certain facts in relation to Care of Magical Creatures Professor Rubeus Hagrid being a half-giant when she was reportedly banned from the school grounds by Albus Dumbledore himself? Or report on an alleged love triangle between Chosen One Harry Potter, Hogwarts Hero Hermione Granger and Quidditch superstar Viktor Krum?

The answer? She is an unregistered Animagus! Her form? A beetle!

Not for her the hard work of a diligent reporter using well-placed sources to garner information for well-researched and unbiased articles. Not at all. Why bother with honest but tedious methods dependant on the co-operation of third parties when she is able to transform into an insect and infiltrate every possible location at will, without so much as a 'by your leave', and take _what _she wants, _when_ she wants, _how_ she wants?

For years, sneaky Skeeter has used her unregistered form to dish the dirt on an untold number of people, taking what she gleans illicitly and twisting it until it holds barely an ounce of truth, then passing it off as fact to the unwitting editors of several publications. These 'exclusives' have led to a great deal of discomfort and distress for many of her subjects, while heightening her own reputation as a hard-hitting journalist with an eye for a story and a knack for digging up dirt that has had politicians running scared for years.

But no more.

"_I can't say I'm surprised,"_ says Hermione Granger, who we stumbled upon Christmas shopping in Diagon Alley, but who graciously spared us a few moments of her time when we asked her to comment on recent developments. _"She's always enjoyed feeding off other people's dirt. Rather like a dung beetle, __actually!"_

For those not in the know, a dung beetle is a Muggle insect which devours excrement. Honestly!

"_A beetle, eh? I see her as more of a vulture, myself. Can't stand the stupid woman. Never could!"_ This from Hogwarts Hero Augusta Longbottom, matriarch of one of Britain's most distinguished wizarding families. _"It was bad enough that she cashed in on Albus Dumbledore's death - imagine vilifying a man who's not here to defend himself? Absolutely despicable! But trying to do the same to that excellent young chap, Harry Potter? Why, I've met Death Eaters with more integrity than her! I hope the Ministry pulls her wings out by their roots before they throw her in Azkaban!"_

This damning sentiment is sure to be echoed by witches and wizards all over the country as they wake to find that the erstwhile reporter has today _made_ the headlines, instead of_ writing_ them. And though her trial has yet to be set, one thing is certain: with so many people keen to see her get a piece of her own well-earned medicine, it is bound to be the media event of the year!

_Editor's comments, Page 2._

_Media regulatory body to be established? Page 3_

_The Ethics of Journalism: A profession in disgrace? Pages 6-7_

_Coming Soon: The Life and Lies of Rita Skeeter; A month-long series of articles investigating the shady past of society's most persistent bug-ger._

* * *

**Skeeter charged for possessing controlled substance!**

**Frail historian victim of society's failure?**

_By Daily Prophet reporter Bathsheba Babblebot_

In addition to charges she will face for being an unregistered Animagus, Rita Skeeter will also be expected to answer questions on her acquisition of Veritaserum, which she has freely admitted to using on magical historian Bathilda Bagshot in order to gain information for her best-selling biography _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_.

Veritaserum, a powerful truth serum that is strictly regulated by the Ministry of Magic, is most commonly used by the DMLE in interrogations; yet Miss Skeeter was not only able to acquire a vial, but used it to manipulate a frail old woman into divulging details that would otherwise have remained secret. Whether or not society had a right to this information - given that it is of historical importance – is irrelevant: it should have been Miss Bagshot's right to choose whether or not she wished to disclose details which affected her so deeply and personally, not Miss Skeeter's right to take what she wanted with such obvious and callous disregard.

"_It's disgusting that she preyed on such a vulnerable old woman!" _says Elphias Doge, lifelong friend of the late Supreme Mugwump. _"And for what? A vindictive nine hundred page long ____exposé on the greatest wizard of our times? So what if he made a mistake when he was a boy – haven't we all done stupid things in our youth? But his mistake turned out to be to our benefit in the end. Dumbledore spent the rest of his very long life making up for it! As for Bathilda, well it can't have been easy for her, knowing her great-nephew was one of the most evil dark lords of all time, but ____**she**____ didn't do anything wrong! What right did Skeeter have to steal information from a sweet old lady and delight in the misfortune it caused both her and others? I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's Schadenfreude plain and simple!"_

As we now know, Bathilda Bagshot was murdered on Tom Riddle's orders not long after her encounter with Miss Skeeter. Did the pre-release publicity for _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledor_e tip him off to the fact that Miss Bagshot was a lifelong resident of Godric's Hollow, birthplace of Harry Potter? Did this give him the idea of murdering a delicate old woman, so recently abused by Skeeter, and desecrating her poor dead body to hide his enchanted snake Nagini in the hope that Potter would return to the village where his parents had met their deaths? If this is the case, then Skeeter should also be deemed guilty of reckless endangerment.

However the Ministry decides to proceed on that score, other questions still remain: how did Skeeter gain access to a substance which is under such strict Ministry regulations that only certain government departments and licensed Potioneers are allowed to brew it? Did she use her unregistered Animagus form to steal it? Was it obtained from a willing third party? If the latter is indeed the case, from whom did she purchase it, and – if their identity is ever discovered - will they, too, face prosecution for aiding and abetting in the shamefully underhanded hoodwinking of an extremely vulnerable person?

What of society's responsibility? Bathilda Bagshot was the wizarding world's most celebrated historian. Her best-selling book _A History of Magic _has been a compulsory part of the curriculum at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for decades, educating several generations of children about our proud magical heritage – and how did we repay her? We left her abandoned in her extreme old age with no family, no one to care for her, no one to ensure that she was eating well, or that her living conditions were comfortable, and no one to protect her from opportunists. She could not have been easier prey for the machinations of Skeeter and Voldemort even if we had personally delivered her to them.

And what of the Ministry's inaction in the whole sorry affair? Skeeter's biography on Albus Dumbledore was published before it fell under Tom Riddle's control, yet the disgraced author was allowed to openly gloat over her criminal conduct instead of being placed under immediate arrest.

_"__We cannot comment on matters pertaining to this or any other ongoing investigation," _said a Ministry spokeswizard this morning when confronted with the question. He also refused to comment when asked if it was true that several of their highly-placed officials were being questioned about existing procedures in relation to the control of Veritaserum.

So, it seems that we may all have to wait until Skeeter's trial for answers to these and other burning questions raised by her misconduct. Though whether sooner or later, these answers will do little to help Bathilda Bagshot now, or to assuage our collective shame at having so completely failed such a vulnerable member of our society.

But maybe they will help us to ensure that it never happens again.

* * *

**Win two tickets for Weird Sisters concert in Slough!**

Chart-topping band the Weird Sisters kick off their nationwide tour in Slough next week and will be appearing at venues all across the country to raise funds for the Orphans of War appeal. The rowdy wrockers will be performing a string of hits such as 'Do the Hippogriff', 'Magic Works' and 'This Is the Night', and will also be debuting their new song 'War Sucks', the proceeds of which will be donated straight to Orphans of War.

Though the tour is already a sell-out, we at the _Daily Prophet_ _ELO _have managed to obtain two tickets for the opening gig to give away to one lucky reader! Not only that, but you will receive a goody bag containing all three of their albums and an exclusive set of signed photographs of the band! And if that isn't enough, you and a friend will also get to hang out with Myron, Heathcote and all the boys backstage after the show!

So what do you have to do to get your sticky little fingers on this fabulous prize? Simple! Tell us your best Voldemort-related joke. The one which makes us laugh the longest wins the prize. What's more, all submissions will be compiled into a book that will be sold to raise funds for the Orphans of War.

Need inspiration? How about these offerings from our very own Editor?

_What was Voldemort's Boggart? A big juicy kiss!_

_What made Voldemort laugh? His own reflection!_

Lamentable, aren't they? If you think you can do better (and let's face it, you probably can), then Owl your offering to the _Daily Prophet's_ Riddle-iculous Competition, _Daily Prophet_ Entertainment Liaison Office, London.

So go on! Sharpen your quills and your wit as you prepare to give Tom Riddle the old 'one, two' and help the orphans of war at the same time. Good luck!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**


	3. Rodolphus Lestrange captured by Neville!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by J.K Rowling, etc. Not me. I'm only dabbling my unworthy fingers in her magical world.

**Credit: **harrypotterwiki, wikipedia dot com.

* * *

**Rodolphus Lestrange captured by Neville Longbottom!**

**Justice for parents as son arrests their torturer**

_by Daily Prophet Reporter Berny Chiswick_

Rodolphus Lestrange was sensationally arrested yesterday afternoon by Interim Auror Neville Longbottom after being cornered in a shop in Paisley.

Lestrange – dubbed the 'Black Widower' since the death of wife Bellatrix – is one of a number of Death Eaters who fled after the defeat of Tom Marvolo Riddle during the Battle of Hogwarts, and has managed to evade capture for the past seven months. But his luck ran out after a tip-off from a sharp-eyed witch led a team of Aurors to his secret hiding place - a detached house on the outskirts of Paisley - whose elderly Muggle owners he had callously murdered before Transfiguring them into a pair of garden gnomes.

_"Ah wis waitin' in a queue at Greggs fur a sausage roll an' there he wis – three people ahead ae me. Ah couldnae believe ma eyes!"_ explains Sheila McLarty, the Muggle-born witch who alerted authorities after following Lestrange from the local bakery. _"Naw, I really couldnae believe ma eyes: a ravin' pure-blood like him hidin' in Muggle Paisley? Well it's mad, int it? Still, ah suppose even Death Eaters huv tae eat. At first ah didnae recognise him 'cos he'd shaved his beard. An' he wis wearing a green Santa suit, an' a pure mad turban wi' a purple feather sticking oot it an aw! Everyone wis pure starin' at him like he wis a nutjob. But ah recognised him fae his picture in the Prophet when he turned roond – ye don't furget eyes like that, dae ye? Pure evil, by the way! So ah followed him efter he bought his Pasty, an' he went intae one ae those posh hooses on the Glesga Road. Ah notified the DMLE right away an' they came an' picked him up! Efter a wee fight, that is_."

'Wee' indeed! McLarty's prompt action saw a team of Aurors headed by Chosen One Harry Potter swoop into action within minutes: after erecting anti-Apparition wards around the house, Potter, Longbottom, and three other Interim Aurors surrounded it and a fierce duel ensued, during which Lestrange was Disarmed. Though he managed to escape, he was chased back into the town centre by Longbottom before being cornered at the Pick 'n' Mix counter of the local Woolworths. There he threatened a terrified seven-year-old Muggle child, Senga Ferguson, with a plastic scoop whilst demanding safe passage to Norway.

Fortunately, Lestrange's attempts to escape were foiled after he was Transfigured into a giant liquorice stick by Auror Longbottom and partially eaten thereafter by his former hostage, leading to the loss of his right hand (as discovered upon being returned to his normal form during arrest).

This reporter managed to intercept the elated team of Aurors just before sobbing, Santa-suit clad amputee Lestrange was escorted to Azkaban. When asked to comment on how he felt about capturing the man who tortured his parents into insanity, Longbottom channelled legendary Auror Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody (deceased) with his response of: _"Sod off! Can't you see I'm busy?" _

Luckily, his employers were more forthcoming.

_"It's a fantastic coup, both for the DMLE, and for Auror Longbottom personally,"_ said a beaming spokeswitch during this morning's press conference at the Ministry of Magic. _"This will come as a great blow to those few Death Eaters left in hiding. And it won't be long until we catch up with them, too! Wizarding Britain is a safer place today because of Lestrange's arrest. We're all extremely proud of Neville, as we are of all the Aurors who participated in the capture of this vicious convict."_

Though Lestrange's choice of hiding places may strike many of us as bizarre, given his open hatred of Muggles, Professor P. Arseus – author of _Flight of the Damned: Criminals on the Run_ – disagrees.

_"It is exactly his hatred of Muggles and all they represent that made the Muggle world a perfect hiding place,"_ he comments, speaking exclusively to the _Daily Prophet_ from his Berkshire mansion. _"Who would think to look for him amidst those he despises most, even in such a ridiculous disguise? No wonder it took the Ministry so long to find him!"_

All Muggle witnesses to the arrest have since been treated by Obliviators. Rodolphus Lestrange will receive treatment from medi-wizards in Azkaban whilst awaiting trial for various new offences including, among others, murder and crimes against fashion.

The hunt for his brother, Rabastan, and a handful of other Death Eaters continues_._

_Lawlessness and Lunacy: The Lestrange Legacy? Page 4_

_Why bother with a Trial? - Judicial ethics in relation to Repeat Offenders, Page 7_

* * *

**Sir Neville Longbottom?**

**Calls for knighthood for Aurors' hero son.**

_By Daily Prophet Reporter Adelig Jung_

Barely six days after his sensational arrest of Black Widower, Rodolphus Lestrange, the Ministry of Magic has been inundated with requests from the wizarding public to have Neville Longbottom knighted by the Queen of England.

Over a thousand letters have already flooded the office of Cerebella Haverford, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic, and many more have been received by the Muggle Prime Minister's Private Secretary in Downing Street.

_"It's unbelievable!"_ said one Ministry of Magic employee, who wishes to remain nameless. _"The owls just keep on coming. Cerebella's had to hire extra staff just to deal with them. The Muggle Prime Minister, Tony Blair, is losing his rag because he can't get a moment's peace with all the ruddy birds flying in and out of Number Ten."_

Even Buckingham Palace has not remained unaffected. Ministry officials were in a panic after their Royal Liaison reported that dozens of post owls have been seen arriving at the Private Secretary's office since Tuesday.

_"The Muggle media's caught on, you know! They're wondering if we've set up some sort of nature reserve. Inside the palace! The carpets are all covered in bird poo! We even found a ruddy owl in Prince Edward's bedroom, nesting in his toupee. He had to leave for an important engagement this morning without it – now the whole ruddy world knows he's balding!"_

Ministry spokeswizard Billy Blotter issued a press release this morning reminding people that despatching Owl Post en masse to prominent Muggle institutions such as Number Ten Downing Street and Buckingham Palace, could result in a breach of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy.

_"We cannot rule out the possibility of prosecuting those responsible if it does not stop immediately,"_ he added sternly.

When informed that the wizarding population was merely eager to show its appreciation of Hogwart's Hero Longbottom's ongoing mission to make the world a safer place,, Blotter replied:

_"Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and a slew of others are also helping to keep Wizarding Britain safe – something Mr Longbottom would be quick to point out himself – but I don't see anyone demanding a knighthood for them! Knighthoods simply don't happen in the wizarding world any more. So please, give your owls a rest, for Merlin's sake!"_

So, if not a knighthood, then perhaps an Order of Merlin? I put this question to Blotter, though he refused to comment further.

Knighthood or OoM, the sensation caused when Lestrange was arrested by the son of two of his most famous victims will simply not die down.

_"I don't care if they arrest me!"_ said one witch defiantly (while insisting upon anonymity)._ "Frank and Alice Longbottom were two of the best Aurors we ever had. And always so friendly, too. So down-to-earth and approachable! I'll never forget the day I read what Lestrange and his foul family did to them – I was utterly horrified. But now their son's gone and done them justice by catching him! Their son! It's a fairy tale come true!"_

_"'E's an 'ero, isn't 'e? Leading Dumbledore's Army, taking Cruciatus Curses meant for 'is classmates, defying Vol … Vold … er, that nutter Tom Riddle, then killing his monster snake. And now 'e only goes an' captures one of his parents' torturers. All 'e 'as to do now is get the other one an' Bob's yer bleedin' uncle! Give him an Order of Merlin, I say. And a knighthood! The lad deserves it! I'll write to the Queen of England meself an' ask 'er, if I 'as to. An' if she says no, I'll write to the ruddy Queen of Scots instead 'cos 'e saved that little Scots lass, didn't 'e? So there!"_

This from Pete Dracovic in Essex, whose passion on the subject runs so deep that he has completely forgotten Scotland and England share the same monarch.

And his passion is hardly to be wondered at: witches and wizards from all walks of life have been completely captivated by the romance of a son avenging his parents in such a just and noble manner. Fanclubs are already springing up all over the country. From the 'Noble Clan of Longbottom Admirers' in John O'Groats to 'Knight 'Sir' Neville Now!' in Lands End via the 'Neville Longbottom Appreciation Society!' in Swansea, people everywhere are clamouring for their hero to be officially recognised.

Yet not everyone is so keen to jump on the Longbottom express ...

_"Don't see what all the fuss is about,"_ said Dilys Downey, a former Slytherin student from Harwich. _"Harry Potter killed the Dark Lord. Did he get a bloody knighthood? No! What's wrong with Wizarding honours, anyway? Just 'cos Muggles have a bloody queen doesn't mean we all have to bow down to her!"_

But what does the man himself think of all this fuss?

When we approached the DMLE, we were informed that he was unavailable for comment, though a source inside has added that the ever-modest Longbottom simply wishes to be left alone to get on with his job.

Even his grandmother, Hogwarts Hero Augusta Longbottom, remains tight-lipped on the subject, saying little more than:

"_I am very proud of my grandson. Now clear off and stop bothering me so I can finish cooking his dinner!"_

At least we know now where he gets his modesty from …

Yet modesty aside, whether Neville Longbottom _wants_ royal recognition or not, the sheer outpouring of public affection and support for him – at a level not seen since Chosen One Harry Potter defeated Tom Riddle in May – might very well lead the Ministry of Magic to approach Buckingham Palace to request it.

And, if Queen Elizabeth is as smart as we have been led to believe, she'll agree wholeheartedly – even if it's only to stop those bothersome owls pooing all over her carpets ...

_Frank and Alice: Parents to be proud of, Page 10_

_I'm pregnant with Neville Longbottom's quadruplets! Page 19_

* * *

**Celestina Warbeck releases tribute song to Fallen Aurors**

Soulful chanteuse Celestina Warbeck has penned a mournful melody honouring those Aurors slain or irreparably wounded in the line of duty during both Wizarding Wars, the _Daily Prophet'_s Entertainment Liaison Office has learned.

The song, entitled 'A Grateful Nation', pays tribute to - among others - Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody, killed during the Battle Over Little Whinging in July 1997; James and Lily Potter, parents of Harry, callously murdered by 'Lord' Voldemort in October 1981, and Frank and Alice Longbottom, parents of Neville, tortured into insanity by Death Eaters in November 1981.

_"I just felt that I had to do something to express my gratitude,"_ says Celestina, speaking from her manager's office in London._ "They sacrificed everything so that we could live our lives in peace and prosperity – so that we could live without fear. Writing a silly song hardly seems adequate enough to express my appreciation, but it's the only way I can, so it'll have to do. We all owe them so very much!"_

The big-hearted songstress is donating the proceeds of her single to the DMLE Retirement Fund, which provides all Ministry Law Enforcement officials under retirement (whether due to age or injury) with additional financial support.

Let's make sure it's a _massive_ hit, folks!

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

_Author's Note_: The middle fic was written as a sort of parody of all the annoying calls (of late) to have this sporting star or that one given a ruddy knighthood ...

*rolls eyes*

Kara's Aunty ;)


End file.
